One of the things we love most about True Blood is its commitment to being outrageous, over-the-top, and frankly insane. (We also appreciate the frequent nudity.) And while the show has thrown a few touching, sensual love scenes our way, it's also shown us a wealth of sex acts best left on the screen. Nerve have compiled a list of eight sex scenes you shouldn't try at home.
1) Maryann robs the cradle
A naked teenager has broken into your house, clearly attempting to steal your valuables. (In this situation, you are a mysterious, sexy, and affluent older woman.) Do you: A) call the police, B) come at him with the bat you happen to keep by your bed for just such an occasion, or C) fuck him, because, hey, he's already naked, right? Beyond Maryann's creepy maenad fluttering, this is just all sorts of wrong. For one thing, Sam is maybe seventeen when this happens. For another, a home invasion should never end in sexy times, unless one of the cops who comes to make the arrest and take your statement is hot and just ending his shift.
Hazards: Statutory rape charges, loss of valuables.
2) Sookie and Bill do it in the road
One of the first indications we got that True Blood was willing to really "go there" was this scene, in which a reunited Sookie and Bill just go ahead and have sex on the ground Bill had just burst out of. Yes, they were relieved to see each other, especially because Sookie believed him to be dead. But Bill is, of course, covered in dirt, and while that's not the grossest thing people have been covered in on this show, we have to imagine that made things both uncomfortable and deeply unsanitary for Sookie.
Hazards: Scrapes and cuts, UTIs, fines for public indecency.
3) Eric is no one-minute man
From the moment Yvetta the Fangtasia dancer was hired (in a pre-season webisode), Eric clearly took more than a professional interest in her. We only catch the tail-end of this sex scene between the two (pun mostly intended), but it seems that Eric has good reason to pride himself on his stamina. Given what he tells Sookie, Eric's been thrusting away with his crazy vampire speed for hours upon hours. Wonderful for him, we're sure, but poor, poor Yvetta. We know Eric is exceptionally hot and all, but does anyone want that?
Hazards: Dehydration, muscle cramps, painful chafing.
» See the complete list at Nerve
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